Updated: Jan 21
I had my first honest “disclosure” this last weekend.
It’s been almost seven months since I called the engagement off. We’ve been working on things. Slowly. Sometimes it’s super hard and there are expectations and deadlines and time crunches. And then there are breaths, and chill-out moments and life.
We were talking in the car about the “other fish in the sea” and where we should go and what we should do.
We have this conversation quite frequently but have been trying to NOT have it for a while, as it can be
E X H A U S T I N G
I can’t remember how I said it, but the disclosure starter went something like…
!!YOU HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD ME THE TRUTH!!
Something like that
So it came out.
He told me all the things
And I breathed and felt my body go rigid. But continued to breathe, and stay (which I’m getting really good at doing)
I didn’t cry. I think I was a little numb. Or am a little numb but trying not to be. I kind of see my pattern as
A bomb is dropped on me
I stay in my body and breathe but am not quite sure how I feel
The next week I am pissed and don’t want anything to do with him
So, being rigid and numb wasn't a surprise.
I asked him if he had any more TEETH to tell
ANYTHING inside of him he knew he was minimizing. Anything at ALL he needed to tell me, tell me now.
The next day is Easter. He comes to church and sits by me. A part of me is glad he’s there. I’m still stiff, but not scared. That’s a big thing for me.
I wasn’t scared.
I knew he wanted to hold my hand. He was quite emotional and I could tell a little apprehensive. In the recent past, I would have noticed he wanted to hold my hand, and not hold his. But kept my hand to myself.
Something on Sunday moved me to grab his hand and hold it.
I tried not to cry and did a pretty good job.
And I felt safe. Like “okay, this is okay”
He spent the day with me. We went on a walk. Talked. Laughed. And actually enjoyed each other's company.
I had therapy today. I love my therapist. I’m telling her how I am feeling. How a few weeks ago, I woke up, saw myself in the mirror, and thought… Hmmm. I feel different.
Like I’m going to be okay.
In this “awakening” I decided that either we are going to make it as a couple and we need to start working towards that, or we need to part and go our separate ways.
I’d asked him just last week to schedule an appointment with his therapist so we can discuss what that looks like and how to do it (I’ve never had a man actually want to look at himself and overcome the challenges)** (I’ve always been a fixer and have absolutely refused to do it this time) so I am unsure of where to go next
I’m speaking with my therapist, telling her all this, and then I tell her about the disclosure and I feel my lips go numb.
And my heart pound
And I got a little dizzy
And I couldn’t breathe
I said to her “Hold on, please. I think I need to cry”
and I did
It didn’t last long. And I cried from my body. Aware of my breath the entire time. It wasn’t an angry cry or a mad cry, but a heart cry. It needed to happen. It’s healing.
After I cry I say, “you know, the funniest thing? I think I love him more after him told me. I mean, how special is it that I can say to him ‘No Teeth,’ and he gets it.”
And she said (this is the kicker)
It’s amazing that men don’t give their girlfriends, wives, women in their lives the opportunity to hold them with the truth.
HE has been stealing the opportunity for me to love him EVEN in his truth. Out of fear. Out of shame. Out of guilt. He hadn’t told me.
I love you,